Same Day - The Bad News followed by a Good News.

Dated - Feb 14, 2012

May be, this day fills some of the hearts with a joy, but for me, it’s just a "Black Day". It was the same day for me in routine, I just woke up as usual. This single heart does not seem for a special one for its (special) day. Because, I was happy for some other thing, my next step in my career is on the building stage. All the rounds were completed for the new company and I am eagerly waiting for their acceptance. The final round has also been completed.

Even though I went to the Office, my mind is spinning with the positive and negative thoughts; my eyes are searching for the reply mail from the company, my ears are waiting for their call. Later, my patience got dried as time runs on its track.

The time almost got ticked to 5 pm. I am in a hurry on the way to home. I left office before than usual.

All of a sudden, My Mobile is roaring in the pockets. The letters DAD alerted me. But he conveyed me with the bad news “Nanamma Chanipoyindhira”,(which happened around 5:30 pm). The mind has stopped working as it hit with a shock. Really it’s a bad news for me. I can’t explain here my grief. I have no words to speak. I have no air to breath.

Those two words got stuck, which are unable to escape from my mind. With the same mind, I started to my Home Town.

I got a call from my Dad today at the same time(5.30 pm), we remembered this day. How would we forget?

Later one or more days, I got a good news, “I am Selected”. But in the appointment letter, the day of acceptance was on 14th Feb, that same day. Actually, it was delayed by 2 days.

Even after changing to the new place, those memories surrounded my brain. It never left me alone, the alone bought the memories, grief and little drops from my eyes.

Hero by Night

               12 years of my schooling never carved a mark about me. Even, I didn’t make a mark too. But in the time crossways, I stood as a Hero before them. I want to compare my position with a small story. Of Course, we already heard this story in our Intermediate. But I want to narrate myself in my words.

                A small boy living in a small town, who is very fear about the dark. Every day, he sleeps beside his mother. But there is one day, where he needs to sleep alone. The author narrated well about his feelings for every second he spent in the dark. But at the end of the story, a thief entered into his house, mistakenly, our small boy caught the thief. But intentionally, he didn’t catch the thief; he was feared about the shadow behind the window. It went for peak when the thief entered into the house. When almost the thief reached his bed, he just jumps and bites him. But on the next day, he became hero as he caught the notorious criminal.

                Same as the small boy, I crowned as a Hero in front of my pals after the first get2gather. Even though, the idea was aroused from me & Suresh, the success behind the first get2gether, (Of course, everything we scheduled) has to be shared with each and every-one. Because, every one was part of them for its success. And, Of course, after that I am promising my position as stable because of only one of my attribute, i.e., my love towards them that keeps contact with them. That is helped for the later successful get2gathers.

                 And at the same time, this span of get2gathers, I am arousing newly every time and all my positives and negatives are getting listed in my mind, i.e., all about myself. But, my only question to all(Tenth mates) is "Does it creating love/care on me or to my position?". Because, every time, I am standing as a Manager(as you call) and at the same time, I am losing myself, my personal identity. I can explain in a small example, people ask me, they put a word on me, "gather our friends for my marriage". Finally, this little confusion digging in my mind from so many days...!!!!!!

                 

Success

Am I finally succeed? Are you satisfied? Same question, if someone posed to you, when you are drawing a few thousand bucks from your card monthly and spending 12 hours daily in front of a system, doing some scrap work. What is your answer or at least self check by yourself?

But I have faced both, one after the other. I didn't understand what I need to say when the same thing posed by my Big B? Its a war between a dream and its success.

Here we go.....

I remember one saying from my childhood. Now it screwing up my mind and make me sleepless from the past a few days.

"Set a Goal. Strive for Success"

At that time, I didn't ask a question what is 'Success'. If somebody asks me now, I can't tell. Because, I never dream about my goal. Now it is a time to set a goal for me. Not only for me, for every one. I am sharing you my experience that was happened a few days back.

I stayed late before the day in Office till 2 pm midnight. It is hard for me to recuperate the next day with the same energy I have the day before. I am late for the day, skipped the sun rise. Now I am in a hurry, to start to my office. Just when about to start, I had a call. He is 'Future' side of mine.

Just we spoke for nearly one and half hour. Later I self checked "what is my Goal?". Its screwing my mind after that conversation. Yes, probably, I have some set of goals either short or long but I never take it serious. Yes, I don't have a FIRE. But badly, I am a person of fate believer. If I come across the chance, I will never lose it. I try my better part of me and left the result for the Fate. But, after the conversion in the call, I need to re-arrange the setting parts of my mind.

But finally I am asking one small favor from my Big B. Yes, I have a FIRE. But it is not helping me to reach my dreams. Please spill out some oil, to catch my dreams. I need an equivalent amount that how much care(you have) on me.

Money Vs Relations

Its a long break after my busy days. Yesterday, I had find some time in watching a movie. Somewhere in my mind, the scenes got stuck and were repeating without stop button. As usual, the other face came from me, and wrote following tag.

"Dad never taught me how to make money, but only how to make relations"

I know that, I came up, not from a well rich family. As said, a middle class, where every expense of penny should have a thought before spending it. A compromised spending. But I am lucky, dad never draw us to go in a hurdle way (for money). I never feel like I need to make a money. Still, I am not interested to make a money and frankly, I don't know how to make it. I know only, how not to spend unwise.

And relations, he(dad) is good at keeping the relations. A good guider and well take carer. But still I don't know why people will involve my dad in only hard situations, not in happy situations. May be due to his attributes.  Badly, I took the inheritance from my dad, in making the relations. As his life leading, my life following the same path. I am very much interested in relations. After all, I don't understand these relationships, how will make it up stronger and its binding with the money and needs. Because, I am good at only making quick relations, not long relations, as I can't entertain the people for long. I have no words after some days.

Gone is Gone. But, I just forecast my life, simulated with 'Money' and 'Relations(real)'. How I would be in coming years?

Its blank.

I am just waiting for someone to change up my mind. Otherwise, my life is blank, no doubt.

Night Outs..!!!

It's not an engineering night outs. But we had started the night outs, at the age of the 14, not for the studies, but tag has the name"Night Outs". I can surely say, out of my 14 years of schooling, I had spent most happily in those last a few days of schooling.

Hmm....Let me not in brief,

From where I have to start, yes, I am starting with the evening study hours. Actually the school final bell rang at the evening 4:30. After that we have a time of an hour or more for refreshment and the night study hours will start at the 6pm. There starts our "blabbering" of our home works. I remember we have a dairy of 6 columns of the each subject and engraved with the today's tasks. We need to clean up all the things and have a sign off of each subjects from the "Evening Instructor". Of Course, big head peoples will complete by 7:30 pm but for the guys like half - head like me, takes some more time. At last, we need to complete our assignments, mostly and hardly before 9pm. Later leave to the home.

But I didn't remember when I had started these "Night outs". But the same smell of school would hit the nose, with a gap of another one hour. There we starts....

Mostly we come here to play the games, the power encourages us, to go for mad. We play different types of games. The darker the night, the deeper the game. I remember, at that time, I used to carry one torch light powered with 3 AA batteries. Actually dad insisted me, to use for a way in the dark road, but we re-used to catch the thieves in the THIEF-POLICE game. Mostly hostelers were the partners in the game. A part of them, Srinu, Sugosh, Firoz, Rameez, Srikanth were the outsiders of school and insiders to the game. Apologies, If I missed any one.

And suddenly we had started one sort of wrestling games. I mostly partnered with Kishore. Still, my ear have those words, "Ee Nag'gadu kanapadadu gani, veedi daggara chala balam undira" in an prudish child manner. Another pair, if I remember, Srinu and Sugosh, one more pair with Rameez, but I didn't remember his opponent.

And since my years of schooling, I have a bond with the hostelers in sharing the home food. I remember, the batch includes Kasi, Murali and some others. And another person who spendthrifts money on food is Suresh. Badly, I never remembered whether I had shared with him or not, taking the biased one to my side.

Those were my most unforgettable days @ Night outs that will never get out of my mind.

"I"... "Luv"... "U"

"I Luv U".....

These five letter word fire the hearts of the youth and it is born for Sacrifice. This is all, I have experienced from my past 25 years. So many love-birds, some got shredded and some got shattered with no peck, finally, I can count those successful sacrificed pairs. On the other face, Some feel it as burden, some people enjoy their relationships, whatever may be, I am not in that line.

That is all I left, my nostalgic feeling. But, I am not interested in "Love" surely. I mean, I don't like that cross-way or I don't know how to reach that road. Frankly, I'm not from such environment, its insipid for me.

Hmmm.... In real, this is not, I want to say.....

I had wrote so many quotes and tags, all are related my "longing" feeling. But, generally people felt that I am failure in Love. Actually my intention is, I am just giving a form to my THOUGHTS not "feelings" (in words). That doesn't mean, I failed in something. I write in general. I think, the problem is in understanding. Let take an example "I Love You". I wrote this word keeping in mind, "you" as ALL. But you will understand as "Someone". There is the problem, You ask what happened? or who is She? I have no answers for that. Or I will reply as "Feelings have no Reasons". Nice Escape.

Finally, I am done. I had my view and expressed now.

Still, I am bit confusing, between my "longing" and "practicality". But I don't care. I am ready to move forward what HE wants to put in my life with a patience.

For Your Information,

You can find my quotes in the following blog.

http://inceptionsinmylife.blogspot.com/

Me and My "Longing" feeling....!!!

Though, I had given the name "This is I'm" to my blog and tried to start to post, what I am. But in the middle of my posts, I am totally deviated and the posts were composed of my memories. It happened deliberately. I am not blaming myself, that I done a mistake.... because I am composed of only experiences and it impacts...!!! That's all I have..!!

But in practical, I should leave my feelings like Longing, Pining or "Viraham" as my 'Big B' said. But I am not aware of how to get of this. Because, the feelings spread all over my body not in some parts of my brain. See, still I am in the same mood. This kind of nostalgic about my beloved ones never leaving me.

OK.. whatever may be..!! I am here to share some interesting facts about me and 'things' which I got hereditary.

It was happened a few days ago, I am in a call with my Big B.......

I never know, I can inscribe my feelings in words. There is no way for expecting a root, because my dad is not educated. You may ask, the art may come in middle. But I never used to write these things. But, after the call I came to know that I had taken this attributes from my grand father. Even, the feeling of "viraham" also took from my Grand Father. He was also a great writer in expressing his feelings and ever floats in a feeling of longing. Finally the root for my feelings is known. So, there is no blame upon me. It was inherited from my fore fathers. So, don't put a blame on me from now. 

But taken into reality, I should not be like this. As my Bro said, I am trying to get out of it. Trying to live in practicality. The only thing I am doing this, by keeping my mind busy with other things rather than this nostalgic feelings.

But sorry for this time, unless I prepare my mind to it, I can't help to get this writer out.